Wobbling
Joan Mitchell, Bracket, 1989. (An artist who I admire for her clear lack of wobbling—because she just does it.)
Hi again, blog. Thankfully I can’t seem to figure out how to get each blog post’s publishing timestamp to show up on the webpage—because if I did, then you would be able to see that I’m writing this post at 2:54 a.m. on a school night. ‘Being responsible’ is something that I’m working towards … but haven’t quite seemed to have attained yet. But then again, what’s life without a little late-night-turning-into-early-dawn fun?
Fun … as in a little bit of procrastination fun. PRODUCTIVE procrastination fun, I like to tell myself. Which brings me to the title of this post: Why is it so difficult to set my foot down with utter finality on a decision—and fully shoulder the responsibility for whatever consequences it might bring about? It seems like wobbling—back and forth, back and forth, on choices, choices, choices, and more choices—has sadly become a recurring theme in my life.
Even now, as this little blinking cursor line moves across the page with my haphazard typing, I doubt every word I put down onto this page. From small decisions to big decisions—recently I’ve realized just how much wobbling my poor mind suffers through every single day.
Even the word ‘wobbling’ itself is a funny choice to express the meaning I’m trying to convey; but if you were wondering why I seem to have set my heart on using it, then I invite you to read this Zen adage:
For walking, just walk.
In sitting, just sit.
Above all, don’t wobble.
Following the above words of wisdom in Alan Watt’s The Way of Zen is this sentence:
“The mind cannot be divided. The undivided mind does not dither between alternatives.”
Isn’t it so strange that my mind seems to dither and wobble and waver all the time—when it can’t be divided? But then again, I remember that this book tends to portray ideals of Zen that have been attained by true masters; sadly, I don’t think I can count myself as one of those among that pantheon of Zen yet. So, then, by some unfortunate series of events, I’ve allowed my mind to become fractured—and now it wobbles on, struggling to remain coherent as I slog through life flatly without making any true, strong decisions.
See, I thought that I had made my mind up to work on my college essays tonight (That was 4 hours ago). But my dithering, wobbling self didn’t want to fully commit to the painful introspection that this task would require—so instead I’ve allowed myself to dilly dally my time as the clock ticks on dangerously. I suppose this blog post is also some form of ‘painful introspection’—but it’s really much, much less painful, since there’s no need to worry about a reader’s perception or perfecting word counts. Because, haha!, I live with the freedom of making this post private anytime and no one will probably read it anyway. So if somehow you have actually laid eyes on these words, congratulations dear I think you’ve just become part of an absolute miracle.
Anyway, here I go on wobbling. Actually, NO, let’s make a decision right now. No more of this fear. I think I need to hurry up and publish this post so I can exit this tab right now. And don’t worry dear reader, I will then start being responsible and write my college essays with resolute, unwavering determination. I wonder, do you find yourself wobbling too? Let’s you and me both try to not wobble. Wait no—let’s not try. Let’s just do it.
As part of the transparency that I want to have on this blog, I’ll list any revisions to this late-night-delirium post below. (so you’ll know whether or not you’re reading Michelle’s TRUE 3 a.m. thoughts or just a more watered-down version)
Sunday 10/09/21, 10:54 p.m.: Deleted 1 sentence.